Paeraes Vyri

Last week I finished the long list I’ve had in my back pocket for years. Financial, physical, and in some ways spiritual. And now with it all done, it feels weird. I do my homework at night, sometimes days ahead of their due date, I eat healthier, I keep my room clean, I don’t force myself to sleep just to make the day go by faster.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. I grew up in a broken home. My parents… well for their own protection I’ll only mention briefly that in recent years they have turned to substances to support themselves. They were functioning, they held jobs, important jobs, which yes I preferred as to the normal dead beat parents. But in a way it was worse because they could trick themselves into thinking because they had these important jobs that must mean there was nothing wrong. But there was…

My mother since my existence has vocally blamed me and my siblings for every failure in her life. She didn’t go to college right away because of us (even though she did just get her degree), but now she can’t get her doctorate because of us, she can’t get such and such job because of us, she can’t do this, she can’t do that and it’s always our fault. Such belittling all my life made me grow up as meek as a mouse, and believing truly that I was the source of all sins. My close friends didn’t understand it, they tried so hard to tell me I was being held down by the invisible chains of my mother’s false guilt tripping. But I was not ready to listen to truly understand.

Roleplay was my only escape. Unfortunately I chose the unhealthy medium of Gor in SL, which yes in many ways is unhealthy. It reinforced my mother’s constant pushing that I was worthless, that I was lowly and needed to follow every demand of another in the hopes I could be pleasing. Unlike my mother, however, in Gor I could usually be pleasing. I lived on the words of “well done girl” or “you make your Master proud”. If only someone could say “you make your mother proud”. If my mother could only once just say “good job”.

But as I began to tear away from my mother and my father I began to tear away from Gor. I am a good person, I am a deserving person, I am not to blame. I am a human being. A smart, honest, achieving young woman and I no longer needed to use my parent’s belittling as a crutch. Nor could I stand the belittling of Gor. The moment you mess up there are a million vultures ready to swoop down on you. To tear you up and preen your blood in their feathers. There are good people in Gor, but I had not surrounded myself with them. So I began to reject that as well. And as the story goes, I had quite a bit of help from Snow and Druid.

Meanwhile my youngest sister came to the same conclusion I suppose and went spiraling in another direction. Where I tried to make my life stronger, to make it more worth living. She turned to the same problems my parents have, full of anger and spite she threw everything that my parents did do right away. Since last summer, when I made my final stand… I have not seen my youngest sister. Only heard tales of what she is doing… and it breaks my heart. If I were a believing woman I’d pray, but since I have no gods I can only hope she will turn her life around as well.

I even stopped rping for a while after I moved out of my old house. I did build and I am proud of my builds and hope to open a store on SL in the near future, but I was not rping. Part of that was because I left Karamoon which was quickly turning into another unhealthy situation where I still believe that many of the admin of Karamoon, (they have since replaced many of them with very dear friends of mine but I feel kept some of the main zits that festered before), don’t really give a damn about players and like my mother blame them for every short coming instead of looking at themselves.

But I also didn’t need rp so much, I needed to focus on my real life. I needed to stop being afraid to just do things. So I did. I did everything. And now that I have, now that my computer is really fixed, that my bank is finally secured, that my body is finally healthy, that my mind if finally at ease, now I’m returning to rp.

Maybe I’ll write more, maybe I wont… it wont matter though, for I am a new person.

Things changed, at first I didn’t really know what to do with myself… my Prince could no longer return to SL and I was once again reminded of losing my Master D without doing anything wrong, without breaking up, just… RL got in the way.

I couldn’t RP as Essie anymore, she’s had a good run but with Snow gone her character was for all intent and purposes dead. I thought about leaving SL because I wasn’t sure how to move forward. But Druid and Draca wouldn’t have it… and within a few days I was starting life anew. Not as Desert Rose, but as Blood Rose… my new character and Druid’s daughter.

After a while I felt better. Unlike when D left I wasn’t forced into a new relationship, I was able to explore and do what I thought was best for myself. Blood Rose is completely different, much more bold, a warrior, a slut and… french. When women piss me off for being catty instead of smiling as Essie would I called them out on it. I made a lot of enemies, I made a lot of lovers, and I made a lot of friends. And after a while I began to let out that I was Essie and needless to say I surprised a lot of people.

I’ve also started to build more. Even made clothes! I was making them at a store actually, hair store in case anyone wonders if I was stealing ideas… and a girl immediately approached me asking where I got it. I was so delighted and made a bunch of colors that are now on SLX. I’ve also worked on Blender and am finally working on that store I always talked about. Even made a logo which I am damn well proud of. Now just to finish my first product.

But I’m not so much of a slut anymore… a little bird captured me, dominates Olympia and makes sure she doesn’t run around. We’ve been mated in RP, sooner or later we’ll do that wedding thing… and what I’ve always wanted to RP at least once…. starting a family.

I’ll always miss Snow, as I always miss D… I’ll always thank them for what they helped me get through, and I know they’d both be happy for me. Happy that I’m smiling again.

I wanted to throw a party hosted by the fae of Karamoon in the month of February… but not have a Valentine’s day event. One, because that’s what everyone does; two, because the Keep was already doing a ball for V day and three, I wanted to throw a party ASAP so that the faction could prove to the others that it was active.

So I picked Carnival after one of those random moments of inspiration.

At first it was just going to be a party with masks, then it turned into a party with masks and shapeshifting, then it turned into a party with all these plus strip poles… and then… well it just kept growing.

Until the big day, where I stood before all as a faun…

“May I introduce myself as Lotus… Welcome all to Carnival! And Gaia have mercy on Karamoon!”

And so it began.

I must say, I’ve tried to run a few events, but none were ever that successful. I suppose because of that I worried that this event would fail as well.

I’m glad to say it didn’t, in fact it was one of the best parties thrown in Karamoon. There was dancing until four in the morning. I made 2000L in tips, kidnapped and tied down an angel, and the whole thing ended the next day with an orgy.

Good times were had by all to say the least.