Rebirth
Last week I finished the long list I’ve had in my back pocket for years. Financial, physical, and in some ways spiritual. And now with it all done, it feels weird. I do my homework at night, sometimes days ahead of their due date, I eat healthier, I keep my room clean, I don’t force myself to sleep just to make the day go by faster.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. I grew up in a broken home. My parents… well for their own protection I’ll only mention briefly that in recent years they have turned to substances to support themselves. They were functioning, they held jobs, important jobs, which yes I preferred as to the normal dead beat parents. But in a way it was worse because they could trick themselves into thinking because they had these important jobs that must mean there was nothing wrong. But there was…
My mother since my existence has vocally blamed me and my siblings for every failure in her life. She didn’t go to college right away because of us (even though she did just get her degree), but now she can’t get her doctorate because of us, she can’t get such and such job because of us, she can’t do this, she can’t do that and it’s always our fault. Such belittling all my life made me grow up as meek as a mouse, and believing truly that I was the source of all sins. My close friends didn’t understand it, they tried so hard to tell me I was being held down by the invisible chains of my mother’s false guilt tripping. But I was not ready to listen to truly understand.
Roleplay was my only escape. Unfortunately I chose the unhealthy medium of Gor in SL, which yes in many ways is unhealthy. It reinforced my mother’s constant pushing that I was worthless, that I was lowly and needed to follow every demand of another in the hopes I could be pleasing. Unlike my mother, however, in Gor I could usually be pleasing. I lived on the words of “well done girl” or “you make your Master proud”. If only someone could say “you make your mother proud”. If my mother could only once just say “good job”.
But as I began to tear away from my mother and my father I began to tear away from Gor. I am a good person, I am a deserving person, I am not to blame. I am a human being. A smart, honest, achieving young woman and I no longer needed to use my parent’s belittling as a crutch. Nor could I stand the belittling of Gor. The moment you mess up there are a million vultures ready to swoop down on you. To tear you up and preen your blood in their feathers. There are good people in Gor, but I had not surrounded myself with them. So I began to reject that as well. And as the story goes, I had quite a bit of help from Snow and Druid.
Meanwhile my youngest sister came to the same conclusion I suppose and went spiraling in another direction. Where I tried to make my life stronger, to make it more worth living. She turned to the same problems my parents have, full of anger and spite she threw everything that my parents did do right away. Since last summer, when I made my final stand… I have not seen my youngest sister. Only heard tales of what she is doing… and it breaks my heart. If I were a believing woman I’d pray, but since I have no gods I can only hope she will turn her life around as well.
I even stopped rping for a while after I moved out of my old house. I did build and I am proud of my builds and hope to open a store on SL in the near future, but I was not rping. Part of that was because I left Karamoon which was quickly turning into another unhealthy situation where I still believe that many of the admin of Karamoon, (they have since replaced many of them with very dear friends of mine but I feel kept some of the main zits that festered before), don’t really give a damn about players and like my mother blame them for every short coming instead of looking at themselves.
But I also didn’t need rp so much, I needed to focus on my real life. I needed to stop being afraid to just do things. So I did. I did everything. And now that I have, now that my computer is really fixed, that my bank is finally secured, that my body is finally healthy, that my mind if finally at ease, now I’m returning to rp.
Maybe I’ll write more, maybe I wont… it wont matter though, for I am a new person.
Keep Moving
A lot has changed, a lot has. It always has been changing though right?
But this time it didn’t start with a fight, with anger, with hate. It just happened in a way I nor anyone else could control. And I felt lost, the same feeling I felt when D disappeared. Just the knowing that there was nothing I could do except enjoy the time I had with Snow and remember him always as a dear friend who helped open up the doors for me.
One of those things he did for me was give me the fae faction of Karamoon. It was on the brink of death when I took over. And I wasn’t sure what the hell I was going to do. But I set to work, started planning events, writing notecards, talking to members and even stirring up drama (unintentionally but the little guttersnipe was acting nice to my face whilst people were sending me IMs where she was clearly spreading lies and trying to get me booted so I didn’t put up with it. I don’t think she realizes I knew what was really going on and so to her it seems my actions were unwarranted.) And within a few months the fae faction was alive and strong. When I was attacked by the daughter of the Port Governor I don’t think anyone else was prepared for the explosion that was caused, and when the Port was like “hey that’s not fair” we shrugged and pointed to our wings and said “fae”. Which I still don’t think is fully grasped by other rper’s in Karamoon but still, we fought the good fight to shatter the disney understanding of what fae are.
I loved leading the fae. I loved the people I met, the rp we developed together… the friendships I built have seen me through and I loved all of the fae. It was just us running around and having fun. Somehow I had even inspired once more the conversations in group chat when we couldn’t be together. I felt like I was in Tor again, having fun with my sisters and looking forward to each day.
It wasn’t all good though. The fae in Karamoon had no base. We shared in a crowded cave that all of the Wilds used. When I asked the sim owner about it she said she’d get back to me if she thought we could prove we were alive once more. So I set out to do that and succeeded. But she never got back to me. Putting down three prims for the fae turned out to be a huge ordeal although in the end I got it done. Other players often griped that we weren’t being what they thought the fae should be. And when I tried to explain that in the old Celtic legends fae were not fluttery happy go lucky creatures that dropped everything to help humans, they got angry. Which only encouraged us as a faction to be truer to the stories, more cruel, more detached, and the cycle continued but we had fun with it.
When I found out Snow would not be returning I lowered my head and knew that I could not continue as Essie, the human turned Sidhe waiting for her satyr prince to return home and marry her. Without Snow there was no motivation for Essie and she’d never leave him in RP, even if he was dead.
So I gave up what I loved. I gave up the character that I had finally perfected, that I loved signing on and rping and for a few days I didn’t know if I was even going to stay in SL. But Druid got me to rp as his daughter and I admit I loved that very quickly.
But there was a glaring problem. As Essie I was willing to put up with a lot of Karamoon’s imperfections as I wanted so badly to make the fae everything it could be for Snow’s return. I wanted to rebuild a base, I wanted to show people what fae really were, and I was willing to carry any weight the admins asked of me. As Olympia I didn’t have that type of motivation any longer, I wasn’t willing to bite the bullet anymore for anyone. As Olympia I was a strong warrioress who didn’t put up with shit anymore. If you pissed me off IC I didn’t smile, I pulled out a sword and took you out. And soon with this new personality and lack of motivation to keep ignoring things, the imperfections of Karamoon more and more became something I could no longer tolerate.
The meter often had huge glitches, such as the vampire bite glitch, that players would use to win fights. I had actually defeated a vampire after he bit me, and it continued to suck my life from me as he was lying there until I died and he was revived. How is it if I’m still attacking someone they are able to in rp bite me and suck my blood? Well one of the admins heard me grumbling and tested out the glitch and agreed with me it was broken but the maker would not be happy to hear it. Nothing was done… nothing was done for a month until finally one of the meter maker’s friends who is nearly impossible to beat was defeated one day by a vampire who was of much lower level. And only then! Was the quirk turned off so it could be looked at.
The admin were becoming more and more detached from what the players actually wanted. Why was this? Because too much was asked from them and they couldn’t rp very often any longer. How can anyone possibly hope to create rules for a group that they do not have much contact with anymore? Some of the admin at one time were good friends of mine so I know they are good people, I just feel that as time went on and they were over burdened with their task they lost touch with everything and would create rules that the players hated and griped about, which only pushed them further way and the vicious cycle continued. In fact it was a bad admin decision in my opinion (and many others) that made me throw my hands in the air, declare “fuck it!” and tp out of Karamoon forever.
Then there were some of the players who were purposely (well maybe not, how do I know they just don’t understand what kindness is) doing things to hurt other players. One such person was Kia. Kia has been a thorn in a lot of people’s sides for a long time. When she first came she’d rp being prude and pout when ever anyone talked about sex or had any fun dancing with each other. She often bossed people around in RP and OOC, telling them what they could and couldn’t do whereas she was an elf… who could shapeshift into a cat… that went into heat…. and then she was a dragon elf… who could shift into a cat… who would rp being an elf in heat. Also on a side note, anyone who rp’s being in heat as sexy has not owned a female dog or cat. It’s not sexy… your vaginal lips are grossly swollen, you’re bleeding everywhere and you rub it onto things while making not sexy sounds but loud annoying noises. But aaaall of that aside I could have dealt, could have ignored her being an idiot. I could have until she started making alts. Alts that would hit on my father and alts that would hit on my mate. And we all found it funny so I probably could have dealt with that too. No it wasn’t until the night she started IMing my mate with how I was going to betray him and how he shouldn’t have hooked up with me. That’s when it ceased to be funny. The next week she then demanded on a different alt that my father have sex with her. Which he wont because he thinks she’s crazy. She was the biggest thorn in my side in Karamoon and it was drama that no one could really control so I don’t blame anyone for that. It was just getting out of hand and the more I began to butt heads with her in ways she doesn’t know about the more unhealthy it was for me and I was ready to get away from her.
And last… my story as Olympia was fucked up by other players. I was asked to kidnap my own father. And I hated it. I hated it I hated it. But I did it for my mate because he was struggling with the Keep and I wanted to show everyone that I would help the rp in the Keep if they gave me the chance. So I did it. And the person who demanded I did it, never bothered to come when it was announced I had him, even though we asked him to come (not entirely his fault as he was being an admin), and none of the others who had also thought it was a great idea came either. So there I was, just really fucked up my character’s story because people demanded I do it, and then they didn’t even acknowledge I did it. In fact the very next day my mate and I were kicked out by one of the people who supported my doing this. Yes he had a grand plot and I understand it now that he’s communicated it, but he didn’t explain his reasoning until after he kicked us out of the Keep and thus it was doomed to fail. By that time I felt the character I wanted stolen away from me, and the reason I allowed it stolen from me as well.
After that I didn’t go to Karamoon for weeks. I didn’t want to. I was angry. I was hurt. I felt as if everything Karamoon once was was slipping away as they bought more and more sims with no real need to do so. Karamoon was great when it was just two sims because people were close together and had to rp next to one another. After about… what four sims? (There’s more than that now) People were just scattered around, the admin had more than they could control, the builds were going as slowly as possible so factions were just torn out of their bases and had to wait months…. months and months… trying to hold it together with no place to have a common ground and meet… and it was becoming too much to afford thus even though a lot of money was lost, the admin team were trying to become more and more lucrative and thus a place of rp was starting to also look like a business plan. Not a good one. But the underlying feeling of “give us more money” was starting to bleed through.
And so… I left. I left and wrote an aaawfully mean profile pick about why I hated it there and then I forgot about it. Because! The very next day things fell apart in my own house and I moved out. Wasn’t planning it really. I knew it was going to happen, the family situation was getting ridiculously bad and it’s not just young adult hormones as everyone I know on a personal level has been begging me to get out for years now and finally I did. So needless to say, Karamoon got pushed out of my mind completely as I was struggling to put my life back together.
And then the sim owner IMd me to remind me. Her argument was that she doesn’t make money. That was it. I was being hurtful when she’s making so much sacrifice in the wallet. I replied that her answer only makes me more sick as she’s confirmed for me what was the most important to her. Money.
And then I got reported to the lindens. I was told if I didn’t take it down as it was I would be suspended. And honestly I didn’t care and left it up for a few more days before my mate begged me to change it so he wouldn’t lose me as Olympia. So I took out the Karamoon part. But you know… if one person had just spoken to me (which no one still has) ((although some just keep IMing my friends that I still talk to so that my friends can tell me they’re sorry. That’s lame. If you are my friend and you’re sorry just say so. Don’t IM my friend’s list)) I’d have taken it done without a problem. I was angry the day I left, I was stressed because I knew I was about to say goodbye to my family in a nasty way, and I was hurt after trying so hard and just being used and then ignored by the people who were doing it.
But the wondreful thing is…. I’m in a new sim, Valahari. I’m the leader of the fae again. It’s a little dead, but the more I work on it, even within the first week, I can see it coming back to life with people who know what it means to be a fae. I have a fae base and I’m going to meet with the sim owner and builder to discuss how it should look. I talk to the sim owner regularly, I go to the admin meetings and put in my two cents. I’m not ignored.
Which is much more than I ever had in Karamoon. I loved it while it lasted, but now that I’m in a new place that’s providing everything I was denied I realized that I put up with way more than I ever had to. That there are places I can go and have my ideas heard and if I say I don’t like something I can talk to the sim owner and we can work it out and make it better.
It seems to be that you find a great sim and you go with the ride for a while and it’s wonderful and you enjoy it while lasts but things change and you need to be ready for it. I might end up hating Valahari as much as I do Karamoon in a year. But for the moment, I’d want nothing else.
What I’ve Been Doing
It’s been a weird summer, but I’ve done some things I always said I’d do and never did so I’m happy.
Also learned some thing I didn’t think I would.
Here’s an example!
It’s been a while…
Things changed, at first I didn’t really know what to do with myself… my Prince could no longer return to SL and I was once again reminded of losing my Master D without doing anything wrong, without breaking up, just… RL got in the way.
I couldn’t RP as Essie anymore, she’s had a good run but with Snow gone her character was for all intent and purposes dead. I thought about leaving SL because I wasn’t sure how to move forward. But Druid and Draca wouldn’t have it… and within a few days I was starting life anew. Not as Desert Rose, but as Blood Rose… my new character and Druid’s daughter.
After a while I felt better. Unlike when D left I wasn’t forced into a new relationship, I was able to explore and do what I thought was best for myself. Blood Rose is completely different, much more bold, a warrior, a slut and… french. When women piss me off for being catty instead of smiling as Essie would I called them out on it. I made a lot of enemies, I made a lot of lovers, and I made a lot of friends. And after a while I began to let out that I was Essie and needless to say I surprised a lot of people.
I’ve also started to build more. Even made clothes! I was making them at a store actually, hair store in case anyone wonders if I was stealing ideas… and a girl immediately approached me asking where I got it. I was so delighted and made a bunch of colors that are now on SLX. I’ve also worked on Blender and am finally working on that store I always talked about. Even made a logo which I am damn well proud of. Now just to finish my first product.
But I’m not so much of a slut anymore… a little bird captured me, dominates Olympia and makes sure she doesn’t run around. We’ve been mated in RP, sooner or later we’ll do that wedding thing… and what I’ve always wanted to RP at least once…. starting a family.
I’ll always miss Snow, as I always miss D… I’ll always thank them for what they helped me get through, and I know they’d both be happy for me. Happy that I’m smiling again.
Something….
Something weird happened yesterday. But a good kind of weird thing so I’m not upset.
Someone asked me if Snow and I were OOC. I get that a lot actually… apparently we have that vibe.
It wasn’t so much that I was asked, it was who that asked me. This particular person knows Snow OOCly so it makes no sense to me whatsoever that she’d bother asking me when she could just call him up and ask and if there was something going on he would be much more likely to tell her the truth.
Somethings going on… and I want to know what!
Pseudo-Engaged
When Snow was saying his goodbye before departing for the military he said to me he’d always keep the doll I made of myself close to him. I pouted and said I would always be wearing the necklace he gave me but SL ate it.
He smiled and said, “Maybe when I come back I can replace it with a ring.”
… maybe….
I was a little shocked (in a good way) to say the least. I told a few of my friends but then didn’t really allow myself to absorb it in.
Then about a month or two later my good friend said to me “has it sunk in to you that you’re getting married yet?”
I blinked a few times. “He didn’t actually propose… just said… he might.”
My friend rolled her eyes at me, I think she gets annoyed with how in denial I am over Snow. “Oh please! He wouldn’t say that unless he meant it.”
Those seemed to be the magic words, because since then it has sunk in.
I haven’t spent too much time dwelling upon it, well that’s a lie, I spend a lot of time dwelling on it but not too much action as of yet. I am saving up my lindens, looking at decor and animations when I’m bored….
… but last week….
Last week I bought my wedding dress…. that’s really more of a silk. A wedding silk. It’s so beautiful! It’s Analise’s white RFL set. As soon as I saw it I knew that would be it… although I waited until the last minute to buy it (still in denial). And when I tried it on… beautiful! It even has golden roses along the shoulder line which is perfect for Paeraes Vyri (Desert Rose).
Now Snow just has to come back… 3 months down… 3 more to go!
Fairy
In the past few months that Snow has been gone, Druid has been so good to me.
Last week I was rear ended in a car accident. It was one in the morning, I had worked all day, it was in a bad neighborhood, the woman did not pull over, or get out of her car, just pulled up next to me as I got out and said her friend was in labor and she had to get to the hospital. I was stunned, I got her insurance number which she read to me from her car, then when I moved to the back of her car to get her license plate number she took off. And I knew I was in trouble.
So I came home and cried to Druid for some time… and then he said the most wonderful thing.
Druid: have ya ever look about in real life at people and thought to yerself….Tha person isa elf…or tha person isa fairy…
Estrella Canadeo: yes I guess so… to people I’m close with
Druid: Look about at work one night….a lil theory my wife and I have…some people tha glamour is so thin on ya can tell by lookin at them tha they are more than they appear ta be….
Druid: Down tha street…when we lived in maryland…there was this guy…
Druid: Big…fat gut…always at out on his front porch in shorts and wife beater…..
Druid: One day we looked at him and it clicked…all he needed was a bulls head and an axe and he would be a minotaur….
Estrella Canadeo laughs
Druid: Ya know lass..from tha moment I met ya I knew ya were a fairy….
Estrella Canadeo: that’s funny, Kieran said that the first few days we knew each other… she said she’s waiting to see wings sprout from my back. But what makes you say that now?
Druid: Bahh…sometimes it’s just somethin ya need ta hear….
Estrella Canadeo smiles
Estrella Canadeo: it made me smile
Druid: Ya have tha mischievous glimmer in yer eyes….
Druid: and an odd grace tha even if yer ungraceful it looks like it’s on purpose….
Druid: and I would bet my nubby lil tail lass…tha ya have one of those infectious smiles tha lights up a room…and no matter how sour ya are….ya can’t help but ta smile….
Estrella Canadeo: nu uh!
Druid: Do nae bullshit me lass…I can tell….
Druid: Well my point lass is this…with a daughter like tha I can’t say I would want her ta leave home either….know it would happen but I wouldn’t be happy on it….
Druid always makes me smile.
Flirts
In the past two months since Snow has been away I keep finding myself in bad situations with men flirting with Essie and not knowing how to politely decline the advances without hurting the other’s feelings. I know it’s wishy washy… and odd perhaps as Snow still wont return for another four months. But I made a promise to wait for him, and Essie isn’t the sort to not wait or start messing around with a number of lovers.
And so I’m left in situation after situation where a man makes an advance and at first I play along simply because I think it’s a bit of fun… and then I find somehow that apparently smiling to a compliment means I’m ready to make out. I have to push myself away, and then things become awkward.
What I can’t really understand is why so many men have decided to flirt with Essie or desire more… is it because they know Snow is gone now so they think I am easier to break? Is it because of my new fancy smancy title as leader of the fae? Is it because the more I avoid, the more they desire? Or is it because I just smile too much as Essie making it easier to approach me as, dare I say it, an easy target.
I’ve become a bit meaner towards men, not terribly, but a little more firm towards the ones I sense are flirting with me. But there are some who clearly are determined to change my mind while Snow is gone, and it’s rather insulting in some ways. In one instance I was purposely talking about how much I missed Snow and the male tried to kiss me anyway. Blarg!
I suppose I should be flattered by all the male attention (and even female attention) I’ve gotten lately. Sometimes there are a few who make me wish that I was more willing to play around. But a promise is a promise…. and Snow is well worth the wait.
Carnival!
I wanted to throw a party hosted by the fae of Karamoon in the month of February… but not have a Valentine’s day event. One, because that’s what everyone does; two, because the Keep was already doing a ball for V day and three, I wanted to throw a party ASAP so that the faction could prove to the others that it was active.
So I picked Carnival after one of those random moments of inspiration.
At first it was just going to be a party with masks, then it turned into a party with masks and shapeshifting, then it turned into a party with all these plus strip poles… and then… well it just kept growing.
Until the big day, where I stood before all as a faun…
“May I introduce myself as Lotus… Welcome all to Carnival! And Gaia have mercy on Karamoon!”
And so it began.
I must say, I’ve tried to run a few events, but none were ever that successful. I suppose because of that I worried that this event would fail as well.
I’m glad to say it didn’t, in fact it was one of the best parties thrown in Karamoon. There was dancing until four in the morning. I made 2000L in tips, kidnapped and tied down an angel, and the whole thing ended the next day with an orgy.
Good times were had by all to say the least.
